A Harrowing Tale of Great Integrity
by i-worthington
Summary: A mysterious totem pole transforms Lana into a backpack.
1. Default Chapter

A HARROWING TALE OF GREAT INTEGRITY  
  
Lana Lang tossed her glorious raven hair out of her breathtakingly beautiful face. Her eyes appeared a rich amalgam of sapphire and bronze flame, and they sparkled and glittered as they picked up the dying rays of the molten sunlight! The distant horizon yawned before her, the turbulent storm clouds rolling over the blazing sun. A fetching smile displayed an array of glorious white pearls, perfectly shaped teeth, fitted for chewing delicate foods. Men had died to see that smile, others had killed just in hopes the glorious Lana Lang would favor them with her affection. Lana, however, was not vain and instead thought herself hideously ugly. She was wrong, though. So very, very wrong, as men and lustful women the world over, were they to see her, would say.  
  
Lana, right now though, did not smile, for a mysterious totem pole that appeared Sioux in origin, had mysteriously appeared before her, in a place she trusted, a place she had spent so many hours of her life, slaving and toiling away!  
  
The Talon.  
  
"Why, what a strange totem pole," she remarked aloud to herself, a small frown creasing the skin between her eyes, though she still was strikingly beautiful despite the tiny mar to her otherwise perfect complexion!  
  
Lana knew that totem pole, that now sat right outside the Talon on the sidewalk, had never been there before! It was foreign to her distant tragic memories; throughout all the deaths and abandoments she had endured, never had a totem pole been present outside of this place that was now the Talon.  
  
"I want to take a closer look," she said to herself aloud. She approached it slowly, transfixed by the mysterious totem pole. She raised her glorious hand towards the totem pole, to caress the weird symbols with her gorgeous and delicate fingers!  
  
Suddenly, a strange noise emerged from the totem pole. It sounded like the humming of many furious bees, intent on vengeance after a farmer had stolen their honey!  
  
Lana screamed and roared. Alas, no one could help her!  
  
She was alone. Abandoned by humanity. No one could save her as a bright yellow beam shot from the totem pole and enveloped her delicate body. Suddenly her body changed shape, and Lana Lang slowly shrung, her skin turning into coarse fabric as she mutated into a bag.  
  
Her transformation was complete. Lana Lang was now a backpack. Small and pink, like the beuatiufl woman it had been, it rested in the place where Lana had once stood, for it now was Lana.  
  
"Oh no!" she cried. "I have been transformed! I have been trasnformed into a backpack!"  
  
In the distnace, she could see Chloe walking up thes treet. Chloe was sad because she could never be as beautiful as Lana, but she still loved Lana, for Lana was so nice and so beautiful. But she could not see Lana.  
  
"Chloe look at the Totem pole!" Lana screamed!  
  
But Chloe did not hear her, for Lana was now a backpack, thus could not speak.  
  
The totem pole had vanished as well.  
  
"Hmmm someone discarded a backpack." Chloe said to herself, noticng Lana on the ground. "I will just throw it away, since it is unwanted."  
  
She picked up the backpack, but then realized with dismay that the garbage can was full. So she walked into the Talon, and saw the meat grinder and knew she could dispose of the unwanted backpack there!  
  
"I will just put it in the meat grinder," she said thoughtfully.  
  
She walked over to toss Lana, now a helpless backpack, into the meat grinder.  
  
"No!" her erstwhile friend screamed!  
  
The oblivious Chloe raised the backpack to drop into the meat grinder..  
  
TO BE CONTINUED?????  
  
Will Chloe kill Lana??? Will her good intentions backfire and cause the death of her wonderful friend? Give me feedback and I'll tell you!@@  
  
Do you want to see more!!! Let me know! 


	2. Default Chapter Revisited

PART TWO  
  
Chloe dangled Lana, the helpless pink backpack, over the terrifying jaws of the menacing, growling meat grinder!  
  
"I'll just throw this away, then," Chloe said aloud.  
  
"No!" Lana tried to scream! "Don't abandon me by leaving me to the maw of death!!!"  
  
But she could not speak, for she was a backpack and had no mouth!  
  
Chloe dropped Lana!  
  
Lana screamed, but Chloe could not hear, for Lana, as a backpack, had no mouth to speak.  
  
Yet a powerful gust of wind flowed into the talon, like shimmering raven locks of Lana's lustrous hair, and blew Lana out of the way of the meat grinder.  
  
"Saved!" cried Lana. But she could not speak it aloud, though she wished it, for she was but a backpack, alone and abandoned now, on the floor!  
  
Chloe, however, did not notice, for she had turned around.  
  
"Now that I have disposed of the backpack," Chloe said to herself, "I will go on about my journalistic business, and I will think of Clark and how cute he is. Lana's really pretty, too!"  
  
Chloe abandoned Lana on the floor of the Talon. Saddened now, Lana shed copious tears, tears of lint, for backpacks have no tear ducts. The lint was pink, pink like the glorious blush of Lana's radiant cheeks! It sprinkled like snow upon the hard wooden floor, the floor upon which many boots had trodden; like Lana, the floor had been abused, abandoned, and disregarded by everyone who encountered it.  
  
"Adam!" she thought suddenly. "I felt we had a connection in the hospital. Maybe if I think hard enough, he will hear me, hear my pleas for help, and rescue me from this dire cloth prison!"  
  
"Adam!" thought she. "Adam, my love, come and rescue me!"  
  
But Adam did not come!  
  
She heard the tromping of boots. The boots of a very sexy man approaching. Lana turned appealingly to the entrance, and saw Lex Luthor looming in the distance, closing in on the doorway.  
  
"I will now pay a visit to the beauteous woman my best friend Clark is in love with." Lex said aloud.  
  
He was heading home, carrying a vat of acid because he had many scientists in his employ who did experiments for him! Lex carried it carelessly, not paying much attention. It bumped his leg though, and Lex became curious about just how corrosive this acid was.  
  
"Gee," Lex said, "I hope the scientists that are in my employ are not planning anything evil with this acid. For it is my father who does evil, and I am good."  
  
He noticed a pink backpack, lying disregarded by a meat grinder. The meat grinder growled and roared menacingly at him. Lex frowned.  
  
"I don't want to upset the gloriously beautiful woman with the raven hair and sparkling eyes who toils here, so I will not pour it in the meat grinder. Instead I will pour it on that abandoned backpack."  
  
Lana, knowing Lex did not recognize her, had begun to daydream. Yet at the mention of the word 'abandoned' she knew he was talking about her. Her heart sank when she saw the big bottle labeled 'ACID'.  
  
"Oh no, now Lex has abandoned me too," Lana moaned. But Lex did not hear her, for she was a backpack.  
  
He approached, his boots slapping sexily against the forlorn floor of the Talon-forlorn, and so sad. Sad like Lana.  
  
He raised the acid to pour it onto the backpack, not realizing it was actually Lana, trapped in her helpless cloth body.  
  
"NO LEX NO NO NO!!" Lana screamed. But he could not hear her, for as a backpack, she did not possess a mouth!!!  
  
"I'll just test out this acid, then," Lex said to himself, and slowly tipped the bottle over to unleash the deadly wrath of the acidic base of the brew.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED???  
  
Will Lex murder Lana? Will Lana ever regain her human form, assuming Lex does not, without realizing it, kill and vaporize his beloved best friend's beloved?  
  
Do you want to see more!!! Let me know!!! 


	3. Default Chapter Revisited Again

PART THREE  
  
Lex held the menacing vat of acid over Lana, the helpless pink backpack. The acid hissed and roared at her, growling its frustrated lust at its soon to be hapless victim.  
  
"I'll just test out the corrosivity of this acid," Lex was saying aloud.  
  
He slowly tipped the vat over, and Lana screamed!  
  
But he could not hear her, for she was a backpack, and had no mouth, thus she could not speak.  
  
The door slammed open!  
  
"Lex!" Clark cried, a near scream.  
  
"Huh?" said Lex, turning with a sexily cocked eyebrow, the vat just level enough to keep the acid from pouring upon Lana, yet tipped enough to threaten her with some cruel, malevolent droplets; they glared at her, baring their teeth, muttering, "Damn, we really wanna dissolve that backpack with our acidicness."  
  
There was one lone dissenter among the droplets. His name was Atrayu.  
  
"I must protest!" Atrayu cried, raising a fist heavenwards, his eyes alight with a glow of fresh harmonics. "Our true enemy wears a red tunic. It is alive, or was an hour ago, and if I find him  
  
"Lex," Clark bounded over in two garrulous leaps, and grasped Lex in his manly arms, twirling his friend around happily. "Oh I have not seen you since yesterday! How are you, my friend?"  
  
"Why Clark," Lex said, "I am well."  
  
"Ooh a backpack!" Clark squealed. "I lost my backpack yesterday. Now I have a new one!"  
  
Lex happily proffered the backpack to Clark, gazing longingly at its pink softness. "This backpack will serve you well. If I had but a backpack like this one yesterday, perhaps the day might have been different."  
  
Clark slung the pink backpack over his shoulder, and Lana instantly felt protected by the warm snugness of Clark's curvy body  
  


* * *

  
"Perhaps he knows it is me," Lana whispered to herself. "I thought we had a link, a connection these last few months. Perhaps he has not abandoned me after all. I love you, Clark!" she cried. But he did not hear her, for she was a backpack.  
  
"Cool; anyway, catcha later, Lexy." Clark said with a little wave, and bounded out the door. When he was out of the sight of his sexy friend, he sped up to bolt through the cornfields, zooming quickly.  
  
Fortunately for Clark, Lana did not notice how fast he was running, because they were 1) in the cornfields 2) Young and modern 3) She was a backpack and could not feel 4) ( and most importantly, she was thinking about her dead parents, and remembering the day they abandoned her by letting a meteor smoosh them.  
  
Anyway, Clark ran up to his room, and flopped onto his bed, gazing happily at his new backpack. "Cool, I just saved $8.75," he said to himself aloud. "Now I will be rich one day. Just like I dreamed of when I was evil for a few months and robbing banks."  
  
Clark caressed the backpack with his loving fingers, thinking of how soft, how pink it was. How strangely familiar.  
  
He stood up to go to the bathroom, but hesitated, looking back at the backpack, wondering if he should explain to it why he was abandoning it.  
  
But he decided otherwise, and shook off the impulse to do that, and to explain his secret to it.  
  
"I will not tell this backpack that I am an alien. For it is a backpack, and need not know," Clark said aloud.  
  
Lana shook her backpacky head. "That Clark, he's such a kidder."  
  
She frowned then. "But he has abandoned me yet again."  
  
Floorboards creaked outside the room. She looked hopefully towards the entrance, but her hopes were dashed, dashed brutally and swiftly, with great painful cascades of ferocity. Just like her parents had been dashed brutally and swiftly, with great painful cascades of ferocity beneath the unrelenting fury of the mumbling madness when the precocious meteor crushed them.  
  
For in came Martha Kent.  
  
She stopped short when she saw the backpack, staring in unabashed horror.  
  
"I've seen that look before," Lana whispered. "It came from a Mullah, named Omar, when I was in Egypt. He stared in horror, just like Martha Kent, the mother of my love who's name is Clark. She must recognize me."  
  
"Oh no," Martha whispered. "OH NO!!!! NOOOOOOOO!"  
  
She picked up Lana with brutal swiftness, staring with fury at her. "I told Clark never again to buy pink backpacks with frilly flowers sewn into them! I TOLD HIM!!!! Blue or green, or some primary color, but not PINK."  
  
She pulled a whiskey bottle out of her pocket and broke it brutally against the bed frame. "I will carve this backpack up with swift gashes from my whiskey bottle, I will shred it to pieces. I will show that pretentious little knave that he must never again slander me this way!"  
  
"Nooooo! It's me!" Lana screamed. "Don't abandon me to the brutal fury of that glass you intend to shred me with!" The glass reached its tentacles out towards her, the little stingers of sharpness longing to shred her fabric-y flesh.  
  
"I will shred this now," Martha muttered, enraged. She quickly brought the knife forward to cut Lana to pieces  
  


* * *

  
TO BE CONTINUED?  
  
Is MARTHA GONNA KILL LANA!! WILL SHE EVER REGAIN HER OLD SHIMMERING LOOKS AND FANTASTIC LOCKS OF RAVEN HAIR??? WILL SHE EVER AGAIN MAKE CHLOE JEALOUS, OR WILL MARTHA RUIN HER DREAMS, THE DREAMS OF THIS GORGEOUS, WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, PRETTY WOMAN FOREVER BY SHREDDING HER WITH SOME BROKEN GLASS?????? 


	4. Default Chapter Revisited Yet Again

PART FOUR  
  
Martha raised the jagged whiskey glass before Lana, the helpless pink backpack. Mrs. Kent's lips (Mrs. Kent= Martha... Just to make it clear this is referring to the same lips as the very first word of this chapter's lips for they [Mrs. Kent and Martha] and their lips [Mrs. Kent's lips and Martha's lips] are one and the same.) were pulled back to reveal row after row of astonishingly human teeth! Teeth that did not share Clark Kent's DNA, for he was not truly her son. Lana knew this, she knew it and feared it and loathed it and cherished it all at the same time, but not at this moment, for at this moment Lana would be soiling her beautiful pink pants if she had them on, but she did not, for as a backpack, she had no pants!  
  
*Although that is the greatest mystery of this ordeal!* she would have reflected if she could think about anything other than her impending, brutal slashing at the hands of her would-be lover's quasi-mother. *What happened to my clothing when I turned into a backpack? Why did Chloe not find my delicate little undergarments when she first picked me up?*-- This is what Lana could be thinking, but since this line of thinking is hypothetical speculation on her line of thought and not her actual thoughts, it is an irrelevant digression from the main plot!  
  
Lana, instead of reflecting upon Clark's parentage or pondering the mystery of her dissapearing clothing, was fearing her impending doom! "NO, NO! Do not murder me, Mrs. Kent! Do not abandon me to the sharp, perforated edges of that cruel whiskey bottle!!!"  
  
But Merciless Martha's hand whipped down like a snake, a hungry serpant intent on devouring a baby rat!  
  
Its downward progress was halted abruptly by the slam of a door!  
  
"Mom!"  
  
Martha's hand tightened convulsively around the broken whiskey bottle. "GOOD GOLLY GOSH!" she roared with anger and frustration. "I cannot destroy this backpack, so I will have to hide it instead." Lana could have cried with relief (because she cries a lot) when Martha quickly bolted out into the hall, flung open a closet door, and tossed Lana in! "Clark will never find it here!" she screamed in great merriment! A strange weather fluxuation caused Clark's super-hearing to become super-deafness for 6.8 seconds so he did not hear her triumphant cry, thus he abandoned Lana by not discovering her secret closet lair.  
  
*Why, I am not the only pink backpack in here!* Lana thought in amazement, looking around with backpacky eyes. There were many other pink backpacks in the closet. How many backpacks had Clark gone through over the years? There had to be at least two dozen! Would he treat his girlfriends the way he apparently treated his pink backpacks? Have his way with them and then allow his mother to threaten them with broken whiskey bottles before stuffing them into a closet?  
  
*Of course, no other backpack has my shimmering raven locks and magnificent, flashing azure eyes like liquid fire!* Lana reasoned. *No backpack can match my magnanimous fountain of lucious, youthful beaty, the sheer goddess-like gorgeousness sparkling over my effulgent form! Not that I'm vain—that's just what other people tell me I look like! I think I'm ugly, for why else would my parents have abandoned me by letting the meteor smush them?*  
  
Martha slammed the door closed! As the darkness enveloped Lana, a new despair overtook her. "I've been abandoned!"  
  
The other mute backpacks around her offered no consolation, for they could not talk. They weren't even sentient! They were so non-sentient that only three were more intelligent than Lana.  
  
After Clark's mother dissapeared into thin air, Clark looked sadly into his room and realized that his pink backpack was gone. That was $8.75 he would never see again! "I just can't keep relying on discovering strange pink backpacks on the street," he said to himself, turning to walk off down the hall. "In the future, I shall have to purchase a backpack for my own usage, and then perhaps it wouldn't dissapear into the nether realms!"  
  
He passed Lionel Luthor as he walked down the stairs in his barn-room. "Hey Lionel," he greeted. "I saw Lex earlier. Lex is bald, but sexy. Lana's so beautiful."  
  
Lionel nodded his shaggy mane, and his head, too! "Hello, Clark."  
  
After Clark walked down the stairs, Lionel walked into Clark's room and started rifling through his magazines. He got bored after a while! "Gee, I forgot—I came here to discover Clark's secret," Lionel said aloud. Suddenly, he knew exactly where to look! He walked over to the closet and looked inside.  
  
His eyes fell upon a backpack.  
  
"Oh, no! Now Lionel will try to kill me!" Lana thought in despair. "And then he'll fail and abandon me!"  
  
Lionel grinned wolfishly and said: "Well, well—smack my ass and call me Betsy! That's Lana Lang."  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
Lana Lang has been discovered by the nefarious, evil bad guy Lionel Luthor!!! Will he try to kill her??? Will he concoct a devious scheme to injure the beautiful Lana! (he is mean sometimes) 


	5. Default Chapter Revisited Once More

PART FIVE (continued from part 4)  
  
"Heh heh heh," said Lionel, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "I just know I can turn this situation to my evil advantage!" he spoke the words aloud, a testament to the great emotions stirring within his manly chest.  
  
Lana stared at Lionel, petrified, for she could not move, even if she wanted to, for a mysterious totem pole had turned her into a backpack, and as a backpack, she could not lift a backpacky finger.  
  
"But he recognizes me!" she though hopefully. "Perhaps in the midst of his evil machinations, he will turn me back into a human! I'm so pretty."  
  
"Heh heh heh," Lionel was saying. "Heh heh—"  
  
An urgent cry interrupted his philosophical insights!  
  
"CLARK! CLLLLAAAAARRRRRKKK!!!" (But not as in KKK)  
  
Lionel looked up in terrible alarm.  
  
"Why, who could that be, just who will I see?" Lionel speculated thoughtfully. "What kind of fellow, acts so unmellow?" Lionel inquired thoughtfully. "Upon this cold night, will he want to fight?" Lionel mentioned thoughtfully.  
  
"Clark!!! I want to go camping!" Pete screamed, running swiftly up the stairs towards Lionel. His footsteps pounded like trees smacking the pavement of the sidewalk, if trees had feet and ran on pavement. The entire house shook and rocked like a toaster on the Titanic, sinking into the murky depths of the flatulent ocean. It reminded Lana of the day her parents abandoned her by being smushed by a meteorite.  
  
"CLARK!!!" Pete screamed again, howling in frustration. "You must go camping with me!!!"  
  
Lionel stopped 'heh'-ing and looked over in alarm. "All my evil plans are thrown awry!!!" His evil eyes shifted to Lana evilly, promising the most dreadful revenge. But Lana was thinking of her dead parents who had abandoned her, so cruelly, so she did not notice.  
  
Lionel jumped out the window, abandoning Lana, and Pete was sad when he noticed the tail end of Lionel's mane trailing out the window behind him. He liked Lionel. He tried to style his hair like Lionel's sometimes, but since Pete had four millimeters of hair and Lionel had nearly a foot, Pete usually failed. Except that one time.  
  
"Clark!!! Camping! Now!" Pete roared, stopping short in his desperate sprint when he caught sight of the closet full of pink backpacks.  
  
"That's not a sight you see everyday!" he said, examining the doorknob. He pawed and fondled the doorknob for a while, then grabbed the pink backpacks.  
  
She was scooped up in Pete's muscle-strewn arms, two body parts manly like twin trees. She sighed softly, wondering if Pete would ever recognize her, her incredible beauty might shine through like a beacon in a foggy night, despite her non-humanness. But Lana was not vain and actually though of herself as ugly, and only subscribed to the idea that everyone else found her gorgeously glorious in her beauteousness with the greatest reluctance.  
  
Pete walked outside with the pile of backpacks, settling Lana and her little pink friends onto the ground underneath the basketball hoop. "I have no firewood," Pete said, "So instead I will light these backpacks on fire to keep myself warm and toasty on this cold Kansas tundra."  
  
Lana blinked her backpacky eyes. "But... But is Pete going to burn me? He's going to abandon me to the vociferous grasp of the flames like everyone else has abandoned me in my life? NO PETE NO!!"  
  
But Pete had already taken some lighter fluid out of his pocket and was soaking Lana and the other backpacks with the smelly substance. "I'll just light this campfire for myself and my tent." Pete said with a smile, pulling a torch out to light Lana on fire...  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
will Pete Kill Lana!!! WILL LIONEL EVER TELL OR ACT UPON HIS HARD WON KNOWLEDGE THAT THERE IS A TOTEM POLE THAT TURNS PEOPLE INTO A BACKPACK? WILL PETE ABANDON LANA TO THE FLAMES, LIKE A HERETICAL HEATHEN IN MEDIEVAL TIMES??? 


	6. Default Chapter Revisited Yet Again II

                      Lana screamed, or at least she would have, if she had a mouth.  But as a backpack, she had no mouth with which to scream!

                      "No!  Pete, please, do not roast me like a stuck pig with your devious fire!  It whispers false promises in your ears.  Do not heed it!

                      But Pete could not hear her, for she was a backpack and could not form words aloud.  Instead, he continued to spill the malevolent lighter fluid all over her and her pink backpacky friends!  "Ha ha ha.  In mere seconds I will light all these backpacks afire."  A demented smile hovered on his lips.  "Oh how happy I'll be to incinerate them.  I will do it in a few milliseconds."

                      Lana tried to start an anti-Pete revolt with her backpack friends!  "If we all try hard enough, we can blow out that lighter!"  However, since only three were more intelligent than her, they did not understand her.  The three backpacks with greater intelligence than Lana rolled their backpacky eyes and then scurried away.

                      "They abandoned me!" Lana cried in despair.

                      All the rest of the backpacks rolled their eyes and scurried after their friends, leaving Lana alone to face the wrath of Pete's inferno!  Pete did not notice that he only had one backpack left to burn.  He was too enraptured with his plans to camp underneath Clark's basketball hoop!  "I must light these backpacks if I'm to go camping!  Damn you Lionel!  Why did you  run away?!"  Pete roared as he touched the lighter to the closest puddle of lighter fluid, which fortunately for Lana far away from her.  The fire screamed like a banshee and waved it banana flames menacingly!

                      "Pete has abandoned me!"  Lana cried in despair as the flames raced towards her.  

                      And suddenly she felt a violent jolt and was wrenched into the air!  Pete's face receded before her eyes like a child starving to death!  Lana looked up, the words, "Thank you for saving me…" hovering on her lips.  But there was no one to speak to!  She was caught in the manacled grasp of the propeller of a low-flying blimp!  

                      "Oh no!  I am snagged on the propeller of this low-flying blimp!" she screamed.

                      Pete was standing three feet below her, his face barely visible due to the vast distance between them.  He was shaking his fist and screaming,  "Damn you, Adam!  Damn you to hell!  You ruined my camping trip on Clark's basketball court!"

                      Since Pete was so far away, Adam could not hear him very well!  Adam smiled happily, glad to have helped someone out.  "Ok, I'll just be on my way then.  Bye, Petey, see you in class tomorrow!" 

                      Adam enjoyed piloting blimps.  He flew his blimp around Smallville all the time!  He was scared of heights, though, so he always flew within a few feet of the ground!  He liked to see how close to the ground he could touch the propeller; he didn't realize his propeller had snared a beautiful pink backpack who was getting dizzy from spinning in circle after circle.

                      However, his mood darkened!

                      The sight of Pete attempting to camp beneath Clark's basketball hoop brought back painful memories.  Memories he would rather forget!  He had been young when it had happened.  Very young back then.  The memories were blurred by his extreme youth!  It was two months ago.

                      His parents had been incinerated before his devastated eyes.  In great pain, Adam had crawled away from the burning house, crawled and crawled, dragging his mangled limbs!  He finally came to rest at the Kent farm, beneath Clark Kent's basketball hoop, moaning in terrible pain.  The Kents walked past, barely noticing the mangled and burned young man who had barely survived the fire, never thinking to take him to the hospital or even feed him!  Once Jonathan waved at him, but then he walked on his merry way, ignoring it when Adam screamed for help while trying to fend off stray grizzly bears attracted by the smell of his roasted flesh!

                      And then the raccoons came!  Dozens of them angry raccoons declaring he had trespassed upon their rightful territory.  

                      Yet when they saw him, they pitied the dying boy!  The leader, named Mussolini, decided they would nurse this poor human back to health.  They shared their meat and mead, and told him legends of their raccoony people.  He even shared in their raccoony women!

                      When Adam was healthy enough, he bade his raccoony friends goodbye, walking off to go into rehab in the hospital.  (For physical therapy, obviously, as well as his addiction to some raccoony drugs).  A month later, he returned, hoping to thank his friends!

                      They were all dead!

                      They were strewn all around the basketball court, gushing blood.  One had a pitchfork stuck through him.  Charred, mangled, butchered!  The Kents had slaughtered them all, so mercilessly.  

                      "They laughed!" Mussolini's sister Stalin moaned, gurgling and choking on her raccoony blood.  "They laughed as they slaughtered us!  Those cruel Kents!"  She caught Adam's sleeve with a raccoony paw.  "Avenge us, Adam!!  Avenge us!!!"  And then she died!  All those kind raccoons who had nursed him back to health were dead.  At the hands of the Kents.

                      Adam knew that day he would destroy Clark Kent!  He would get his terrible, terrible revenge.  Lana was really pretty.

                      "Oh no, I might be sick!"  Lana wailed despairingly.  Then she remembered that she was a backpack, and as a backpack she did not have any internal organs, so she could not get sick!  Lana felt much better.  Suddenly, the propeller let go of its metal grip on Lana!  "Nooo!  Not you, too, propeller!  Don't abandon me!"

                      The wind whipped Lana around, sending her flying splat into the window in front of Adam.  "What a beautiful backpack!"  Adam exclaimed, nearly crashing the low-flying blimp!  "I would like to use its linen cloths to patch the holes that sometimes appear in my blimp,"  Adam surveyed his blimp critically!  "Not that there is a hole right now, for I would be crashing and burning again if there was.  But later there might be a hole!"  Carefully, he peeled Lana off the window and plopped her into the seat next to him.

                      "He can't be serious!" Lana thought incredulously.  "Why would anyone try to destroy *me*?"

                      "Hmm..."  Adam said thoughtfully.  "Lionel did mention to me that he's looking for a pink backpack...  And since he's my boss and the guy keeping me alive, also he's helping me avenge my buddies, perhaps I should listen to him.  But, it's probably a different pink backpack!  I swear I once saw a closet full of them."

                      Lana did not hear his musings for she was thinking of how tragic it was her parents had died and abandoned her!  Who just lets a meteor smash them when they have a daughter?  Who is that selfish??  How could they abandon her like that?  Everyone abandoned her!

                      She looked at Adam and wondered if he would abandon her too, but Adam was preoccupied!  He had suddenly blinked and realized he was bleeding blood from his eyes!  He searched around for blame and his eyes rested upon Lana.  

                      "I'm bleeding from my eyes!!  And it's all that pink backpack's fault!"  He flung Lana to the other side of the blimp, abandoning her cruelly!  Laughing maniacally, he said with terrible rage,  "I am going to patch my blimp up with that backpack!  I will use my light saber and cut it into a million tiny pieces that I will then jab the pieces with a needle when I am sewing!!!  Oh, that pink backpack will know a world of pain!!!"

                      He glowered at her, and Lana shivered with fright!  Adam looked really scary right now, but she couldn't place why, and that was what made her shiver with fright.  But, as a backpack (as well as-- as a human), she was nearly non-sentient, and thus could not shiver with fright!  So why was she shivering with fright?  She just wanted some attention because her parents had abandoned her

                      Adam whipped out a light saber.  "I will rend this backpack into fine strips of cloth now!"

                      Lana protested!  She protested with all her soul.  "Adam stop!  Don't let that mean sword cut me to pieces!"  

                      "It's not a mean sword, it's a light saber!!!!"  cried someone somewhere.

                      Adam took a step forward, brandishing the light saber above his head.  "You will die now, backpack!!"

TO BE CONTINUED…

WILL ADAM KILL LANA!!!  WILL SHE EVER BE EVER SO PRETTY AGAIN!! (THOUGH LANA IS SUCH A PRETTY BACKPACK!!)  WHAT WILL HAPPEN?  WHAT IS LIONEL PLOTTING AGAINST LANA?  WILL CLARK EVER ADMIT HIS FEELINGS FOR LEX?  


	7. Default Chapter Again Revisited

PART SEVEN!  
  
"Oh no!" Lana cried to herself, silently, for as a backpack, she had no mouth with which to speak. "Clark," she called to him in her mind. She really wished she was running in the Talon right now, with a cell phone, speaking inexplicably with a teen crisis hotline. "It's happening!" Her eyes drifted vaguely to an NRA membership card Adam had left, discarded, on the floor of his low-flying blimp. "He's got a gun!"  
  
Adam lifted the light saber above his head. "Goodbye, pink backpack. I'll see you in hell!" The air whooshed angrily, snarling and giggling at Lana as it snorted towards her, the light saber screaming in its wake to cut poor Lana into tiny strips of cloth for sewing purposes.  
  
But suddenly, Lana heard a loud pop. And the low-flying blimp imploded all around her!  
  
"NOOOOO!" Adam cried despairingly. "My low-flying blimp!" He was so distraught that the blood streaming from his eyes was embarrassed to be associated with him and jumped out the window.  
  
The low-flying blimp plummeted three feet to the cruel and terrible Earth and shattered into 2,300,004 pieces upon impact. It so happens that an autistic-savant guy was standing nearby, and he counted.  
  
When the smoke cleared, Lana saw Jonathan Kent standing there, looking somewhat abashed. "My bad," he said, looking guiltily at his pitchfork, firmly embedded in the now-destroyed low-flying blimp.  
  
"YOU!" Adam screamed, rising like a dark phoenix from the remains of his low-flying blimp. "You've destroyed my life! DARN YOU!"  
  
Jonathan didn't like his language, and frowned a terrible frown of remorse and unspeakable rage, like that time he'd killed twelve guys who turned out to be twelve innocent, starving children whose twelve machine guns were actually twelve gift-baskets for their mothers.  
  
"Adam, you get out of here!" Jonathan waved his pitchfork threateningly. "This is my bank!"  
  
And indeed, the low-flying blimp had run into Jonathan's pitchfork of its own volition right outside of the Smallville International Bank. Tellers stood there, looking out the window at the wreckage of the low- flying blimp, and the pitchfork wielding madman.  
  
"Stay away from my bank," Jonathan snarled. "Let the fate of your low-flying blimp serve as a warning for you to avoid us stalwart, salt-of- the-Earth Kents and our stalwart, salt-of-the-earth checking accounts!"  
  
Then he raised the pitchfork into the air menacingly, and ran towards Adam. Screaming and crying, Adam ran away, Jonathan chasing swiftly behind him with his pitchfork. Even after Adam chartered a private cargo plane and leaped aboard, Jonathan loomed on the edge of the bank's parking lot, waving his pitchfork in fury.  
  
Lana lay forlorn in the remains of the low-flying blimp. "They abandoned me," she said sadly.  
  
A dark shadow fell across Lana.  
  
There was nothing she could do, for as backpack, she could not flee. And though the other backpacks had managed to scurry away, they were in the process of abandoning Lana, and everyone was good at that. Like her parents, letting themselves be smashed. And Whitney, letting himself be blown into bits.  
  
"Miss Lana Lang," cooed Lionel, his voice like a lover's caress as he gently leaned over to pick up Lana's pink, backpacky body. "I've been expecting you to show up at this bank. It was all a part of my grand scheme, contriving to get you here. I assumed that Adam would betray me, so I got a job as an accountant to pass the eighteen minutes since our last encounter. I shall quit now, without leaving a two weeks' notice!"  
  
"You monstrous fiend!" Charlene, the manager, cried in the background. "Don't you realize the two weeks' notice is vital to our country's economic sys  
  
"Yes, I will quit now, without that two week notice, because I am an evil bastard." Lionel reiterated, taking Lana into the shelter of the bank, adding, "Heh, heh."  
  
"Lionel," an enraged voice came from the doorway.  
  
Silhouetted by the 2pm moonlight, Jonathan loomed like a merchant of Venice, only without a boat; his pitchfork more than sufficed for a vehicle of transportation. It leered at Lana as it rested in Jonathan's hand. Lana could tell it meant to ravage her, and worse, cruelly abandon her.  
  
"You unhand that backpack," Jonathan commanded.  
  
"Or what?" Lionel challenged. "You know I don't respond to threats. When Chloe tried to blackmail me by recording me when I admitted murdering my parents to collect the insurance, I triumphed. When Lex tried to gain my approval, I also triumphed. When you tried to forcibly make love to me on that couch over there, I triumphed and then triumphed a second time."  
  
"I remember that," Jonathan murmured with a coy smile. Then he reached out, and grabbed Lana. "But I claim this backpack, for I found it first."  
  
Sadly, Lionel walked away.  
  
"I have defeated Lionel Luthor!" Jonathan cried in exultation, turning to leave this bank. "Now, I must make sure he never can claim this as a victory of his own. I must destroy this beautiful, pink backpack, so Lionel can never have it."  
  
"No! Mr. Kent, do not kill me! I am the fair Lana Lang, the nubile young girl you readily adored and to whom you tried to pimp your son! Do not abandon me to death!" Lana screamed, but as a backpack, she had no mouth with which to scream at him.  
  
Jonathan noticed a convenient machine gun, and he reached over and grabbed it. "I will now pump this backpack full of bullets!" He tossed Lana to the pavement in front of the Smallville International Playground, and raised the machine gun. "Goodbye, pink backpack!" And his finger compressed the trigger.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED....  
  
WILL JONATHAN KILL LANA!! WILL HE DESTROY HER BEAUTEOUS RADIANCE FOREVER, AND TURN HIS SON INTO AN EVIL MEGALOMANIAC WHO WANTS REVENGE ON HIS FATHER FOR KILLING LANA WHO IS A BACKPACK! WILL LANA EVER AGAIN REGAIN HER HUMAN FORM? WILL JONATHAN DISCOVER CLARK'S FEELINGS FOR LEX?? 


	8. Default Chapter Yet Again Revisted

"He who sheds his blood with me today shall be my brother. Be he ne'er so vile, this day shall gentle his condition! Pink backpacks in Smallville, now a-bed, shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here. And hold their manhoods cheap while any speaks that fought with us—" Martha's whiskey bottle tore brutally through Sebastian's throat.  
  
"Ha ha!" Martha Kent cried in triumph.  
  
"Noooo!" Screamed Lancelot, and he rushed forward, pinning Martha against the wall as she impotently flailed her broken whisky bottle back and forth. The second the gang of pink backpacks appeared before her, and suddenly, Martha realized the terrible truth...  
  
This would be a fight to the death.  
  
* * *  
  
Jonathan Kent was sweating with exertion, hoisting the machine gun up to aim at Lana. "I will blow-- this backpack-- back to the hell that spawned it..." He was breathing heavily all if a sudden, a strained look on his face.  
  
"No! Don't kill me, Mr. Kent!" Lana screamed in her head. But as a backpack, she had no mouth with which to speak, so he did not hear her.  
  
"Yes..." Jonathan said, his voice tight and raw. Suddenly his eyes sunk closed, and he swayed on his feet. "Must... destroy.... it... Must... not... let... Lionel... take... my... pink back—" And then his hand flew to his chest, his eyes popping wide open in response to a sudden lance of pain. "Aah!"  
  
"He's having a heart attack!" Lana thought with relief.  
  
"Pain... running like fire... through my poor... bereaved nerves..." Jonathan rasped before falling to the ground.  
  
"He does a really good Captain Kirk impersonation," Lana said, surprised. The nearby mailbox had the grace to look disgusted. Jonathan, meanwhile, was twitching and convulsing in inhuman agony.  
  
Suddenly, with a big whoosh, Clark appeared at his fallen father's side. "I heard there was trouble with a low-flying— Dad!" His voice cracked with panic as he rushed forward, grasping his father's sagging body. "Oh no! Oh, God, no!"  
  
"Oh, Clark! Thank God!" Lana cried. "Please help me! I'm stuck sitting in the dirt!" Her pink cloth was getting dirty!  
  
And sure enough, Clark glanced over and was suddenly enraptured by the sight of the strange, but beautiful, pink backpack, lying discarded and... abandoned in the dirt. "The backpack..." he murmured, dropping his father twitching body to the ground. "I thought Mom destroyed you!" Tears filled his eyes. "Oh God, I thought you were gone forever!"  
  
There was something strangely compelling about the pink backpack. Something that demanded disproportionate amounts of screen time that contributed nothing to the quality of Clark's life, were his life depicted in a television show.  
  
"Baaaaah!!!!" Somewhere far away, a man named Scrooge had screamed the first part of his famous phrase of scorn, and as the wail of, "Huuuummmmbugggh" drifted over the horizon, Clark was suddenly jolted out of a strange spell.  
  
Disoriented, he blinked, and blinked again. He suddenly realized that his father was having a heart attack behind him, that he'd let his dying father drop callously to the dirt to die while he obsessed over the welfare of a pink backpack.  
  
"Oh my God," Clark whispered in horror, like a man arisen from a trance. He looked with wide, suddenly comprehending eyes at Lana, who was just worried he might abandon her. "That backpack..."  
  
She perked up at the mention of her.  
  
"That.... pink backpack..."  
  
"Yes?" Lana prompted.  
  
"It's... evil!"  
  
Lana had been thinking of her parents, how brutally they abandoned her, so she did not initially hear him call her 'evil.'  
  
"EVIL!" Clark roared, staggering back from her and grasping his father protectively in his arms. "I have to destroy that backpack... Aah! I have to save my father! Oh curse the burdens of being a superhero!"  
  
His eyes flashed back to Lana, promising bloody revenge, and then suddenly, he streaked away with his father in his arms, leaving his clothing in a pile on the ground.  
  
It took Lana a moment to comprehend what had just occurred, and then she realized it. "I've been abandoned!!!"  
  
"Yes, Lana darling, you have indeed been abandoned..." said a menacing voice from behind her.  
  
Lana turned her backpacky eyes. "Who could that be..."  
  
The person standing before her froze the blood she did not have.  
  
"WHITNEY!" she cried in shock and horror.  
  
"Yes, it is me, Whitney, your astonishingly good-looking ex- boyfriend!" Whitney rasped. He no longer retained his boyish good looks. Perhaps being blown into pieces and then decaying for a while diminished youthful beauty.  
  
"Whitney..." Lana breathed. "What are you doing here? I haven't seen you since you abandoned me! I never expected to see you after that! And you can hear me speak! How is that possible?" Lana stared at him in wonder, and then added, "And you've been dead a while. That's another thing that makes this kinda weird."  
  
Whitney glared at her, through festering eyes. "I did die, Lana. And I had to come back from the grave just to give you a message—from your parents, from me, from Tina Greer, from the bug guy, the little girl, from various other dead people you know in abundance..."  
  
"Is it about that blue shirt I wore the other day?" Lana said thoughtfully. "Because I swear, Chloe put a sock in my laundry bag and turned all my pink—"  
  
"Not everything is about you!" Whitney screamed. "I'm dead, for the love of God, and the first thing you remember is that I abandoned you!"  
  
"Why is he mad at me all of a sudden?" Lana thought sadly. "I'm not the one who did the abandoning."  
  
Tears would have filled his eyes, but since his corpse had long dehydrated, he just scoffed forcefully at her. "I tried to rest in peace, I really did! Just like your parents have been trying! And the bug boy, and the little girl, and the guy with the gun!" His voice was breaking with despair. "But you just kept moaning, and moaning, and complaining about how I'd abandoned you, how your parents have abandoned you, that you roused our spirits from their proper place, and they forced me to return to earth to put you out of our misery! Killing you is the only way I can rest in peace!"  
  
"What?" Lana thought with a sudden jolt of alarm. "Whitney's going to try to... kill me?" She just couldn't get her head around to the concept that anyone would want to destroy her.  
  
"Yes," said the zombie Whitney. "I am going to kill Lana Lang." He pulled back his lips to reveal long, canine teeth. "I can't eat your brains, so instead, I am going to bite my backpacky ex-girlfriend to death."  
  
He approached menacingly. "Oh, by the way," he added quickly, drawing back. "Your dead, non-biological father said to tell you your mother's a real slut. And your dead uncle said your dead aunt's a bit of one, too. And now that I think about it—weren't you going to cheat on me with Clark—"  
  
Lana frowned, thinking how sad it was everyone abandoned her. She tuned out his words until he mentioned, "And how did you just turn into a backpack?"  
  
Lana fumbled for an explanation, but he cut her off. "No more stalling!" He smiled to reveal blood-soaked teeth. "I've dallied too long! Now, Lana Lang, I'm going to kill you!"  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
WILL LANA BE BRUTALLY MURDERED BY WHITNEY? WILL SHE EVER REGAIN HER HUMAN FORM, AND STOP PEOPLE FROM TRYING TO KILL HER OR WORSE, ABANDON HER??? WILL LIONEL ALLOW HENRY SMALL TO PARK IN HIS EMPLOYEE PARKING SPACE AT THE BANK NOW THAT HE'S QUIT??? 


	9. Default Chapter Yet Again Revisited Once...

            Whitney opened his mouth to bite Lana to death.  "Die, you vile backpack!" he screamed through his Zombie-like lungs, blushing with embarrassment because a slab of his rotting skin had just fallen off his face, and he'd subsequently stepped on it with shoes ugly enough to make Lana snicker with disdain.

            "No, Whitney, don't kill me! I am an innocent backpack!  No, wait," she amended.  "I am Lana Lang."

            And as Whitney swooped down to bite her to death, Doctor Helen, Lex's evil ex-fiancée who once tried to murder him in a flaming plane crash, came staggering along, her entire white doctor's coat stained with blood.

             "Damn," said Helen,  "I just did open heart surgery on Jonathan Kent, and it was so gross.  I feel like throwing up.  Oh!  There is a convenient, pink backpack in which to throw up!"

            Her tomatoes stirred in her stomach.  She had eaten them for lunch in her spaghetti, and they cried desperately,  "Throw us up,  Doctor Helen!  Throw us up right into that beautiful pink backpack!"

            Urgently, Helen snatched the backpack from Zombie Whitney, who abruptly fell dead again, and prepared to throw up into it.  Jonathan Kent's four clogged bypasses horrified her.  In all of med school, she'd only seen one cadaver, and it was a raccoon.  A raccoon murdered by the Kents.

            Lana screamed in horror.  "Whitney, come back to life and kill me!  Kill me now!"

            Whitney had abandoned her, though!

"It's too bad," Doctor Helen continued, "That the plane crash left me a meteor freak whose vomit kills people by spontaneous combustion.  Oh well, I'll only be spontaneously combusting a backpack!"    

It was then, however, that someone else snatched the backpack right out of Doctor Helen's hands, accidentally knocking her off a cliff in the process.  It was suitable vengeance for a woman who had tried to kill the sexiest bald man in the world.

"Man," said Tina Greer, staring admiringly at the pink backpack.  "This is the most gorgeous backpack ever.  It reminds me strangely of…"  Comprehension dawned on her face.  "This other pink backpack I owned once!"

She then tossed Lana aside and ran off happily.  Lana sighed in relief, only to recoil in shock when she realized Tina had tossed her in the path of a tanker truck!

            "Noooooo!" Lana screamed piteously.

And suddenly, her biological father, Henry Small, came driving up in a golf cart and careened into the front of the tanker truck, blowing it up in a huge ball of flames!

"I love me some golf!" her biological father Henry Small cried amidst his great pain.  He drove the remains of his golf cart out of the flames, shaking off the fire.  "But I will be late now, all thanks to that tanker truck and that blasted pink backpack!"  He stared balefully at the burning truck.  "That shows the damn tanker truck.  Now I must run over that pink backpack, then back up over it, and then perhaps run over it again."

As he was about to proceed, Pete's mother suddenly found herself appalled by the spectacle before her.  "You murdered the man in that tanker truck!"  All the judge-ness within her rebelled at the notion of letting this villain go scotch free, and she rushed at the backpack, tore it from his hands, and decided upon a bloody fate for it to get back at its owner.  "And your backpack will pay the price," she promised Henry Small menacingly.

"It's okay," he said with a beatific smile.  "My daughter Lana is so pretty."

"I will beat your backpack to death with this gavel!" Pete's mother cried, brandishing a gavel.

"Oh, no!" cried a woman who suddenly ran in at superspeed, knocking Pete's mother out cold with the sheer intensity of her gaze.  "_I _will possess this backpack."

She grabbed Lana and smiled insanely at her.  "Oh, pink backpack, you remind me so much of my very best friend Lana.  I'm going to make you into tea and drink you so I feel like I have Lana Lang warming me inside."

Lana was slightly weirded out.  "Who in this day and age drinks _tea_?"

Emily took Lana to a secluded cave.  There was handy, ancient Native American power plug nearby, and she plugged in her teapot and started boiling water.  "See, my Lana-Like Backpack?"  Emily said cheerfully.  "I'm going to boil you in this teapot to make my tea!"

Lana tried to scream in fear, but because a totem pole had turned her into a backpack, she could not scream.

And then another woman at halted her.  A blonde woman, who talked in strangely halting tones.  "No…" she said softly.  "I… am Kara!  I must… bring this backpack… to Jor-El… for questioning…  And then he and I…  we will destroy it together…"  With a superpunch, she knocked Emily out cold.

            Chloe's dad, however, was making chili, so he didn't have time to come to the vengeance of the peripheral characters.

TO BE CONTINUED…

WHO WILL KILL LANA?  WILL LANA SURVIVE TO REGAIN HER BEAUTIFUL HUMAN FORM?  WILL CLARK EVER GAZE ADMIRINGLY AT HER BEAUTIFUL FACE AGAIN, OR IS HE CURRENTLY BEING SEDUCED BY THE SEXY BALDNESS OF LEX LUTHOR?  WILL LIONEL WREAK BLOODY VENGEANCE WHEN HIS NEW HAIR GEL MAKES IHM BREAK OUT IN HIVES???


	10. Default Chapter Concluded With a Final F...

THE FINAL CHAPTER

Lana was so puzzled by all the people around her trying to kill her that she barely realized what was happening. "You'd think in backpack form, I couldn't really offend anyone," she speculated. "Yet I seem to have more stalkers than ever. Why?? Why, GOD, WHY??? I am so kind and generous, and beautiful (although I think I'm very ugly, but everyone else says I'm gorgeous, so…) Why has everyone tried to kill me today?"

"You…. Are…. Wrong…" said Kara, in the stuttering and breathy way she enunciated everything. "You see…. Lana… you remain infuriatingly…. Blameless…. Whatever your actions… whatever your words… you are the gaping blind spot…. That consumes…. The entire… screen. Do you understand…. my profound… if stuttering… and breathless… words?"

Lana was confused, but she was spared further attempts at understanding whatever the hell Kara was boring everyone by trying to say when Kara tossed Lana's backpacky body down to the floor.

"I have brought you Lana Lang, Jor-El."

And Kara vanished, cause she was actually some dead girl.

"Ahh Lana…" said Jor-El's voice. "Perhaps you wonder why I've brought you here?"

Lana had actually been thinking about her dead parents, but now that he mentioned it, she supposed she did.

"Sure, I guess!"

Jor-El laughed fiendishly. "I have brought you here to kill you!"

Lana gasped. "To kill me!!??"

"Too long have you distracted my son from more interesting pursuits, such as saving the world, behaving in a vaguely mature fashion, and recognizing his true sexual orientation. No longer shall you corrupt my son's life! I will destroy you now, vile Lana Lang! I have a little stone in my hand," he showed her the stone, "that vaguely resembles William Howard Taft. I will use my superhuman strength to grind you into dust with it!"

"No, Jor-El, no! Do not grind me into dust to death with a William Howard Taft shaped-stone!" Lana shrieked. She was such a pretty backpack, and William Howard Taft was such an unattractive president!

"Ah ha ha! But I will!" Jor-El raised his arm to grind Lana to death with the William Howard Taft-shaped stone…

And stopped.

"But!" He said, in a strange, husky whisper. "I find it difficult to destroy such a beautiful pink backpack…." His voice grew hoarse and sexy. "You are soft, and silken fabric... You remind me strangely of a floral field in which I want to lie, until my flesh has festered from my bones."

"That's so sweet," Lionel moaned from the entrance to the cave. Behind him, Clark was staring, transfixed, at the spectacle of his biological father cavorting with his backpacky nemesis.

He had returned from the emergency room to destroy the evil backpack that had almost cost him his adopted father's life; he had started in horror when he heard his biological father interacting with the evil backpack. He'd immediately assumed some evil plot was afoot!

Yet when his biological father whipped out a William Howard Taft-shaped stone, he realized he'd misinterpreted the situation. This backpack and his cruel, controlling father were actually on the verge of a fight to the death!

And then everything changed in a heartbeat.

Suddenly, his father showed a softer side, just like Sears. He put aside his enmity and opened his heart to the beauty and joy offered by a small, pink backpack.

And Clark realized… Perhaps he could do the same?

That backpack was actually really special, and so beautiful. Whatever could he have been thinking back when he found his father and the backpack? He really should have left his dying father there and picked up the gorgeous pink backpack!

"Oh, my lovely backpack," Clark moaned. He raised his eyes to meet those of his biological father (or his cave persona), and felt vaguely weirded out that he was ogling the same backpack as his father.

He heard a soft chuckle behind him. Lionel Luthor (who had been driving by the hospital in a steamroller to crush the car of Henry Small, who had apparently robbed him of his employee parking space or something similar) had generously offered to drive Clark to the mysterious caves, where Clark, mysteriously, assumed the mysterious backpack would be.

"You blind fool," Lionel murmured. "You still remain oblivious to her identity, even when your father and I perceived it clear as day!"

"Whaa?" Clark asked, and Lana's heart leaped with hope.

"That's…" Lionel smiled evilly. "That's for me to know, and you to—" He frowned suddenly. "I am already bored with this. That is Lana Lang. She is a backpack now."

Clark gaped at him, then at the backpack. And suddenly, understanding dawned in his eyes. "Of course!" He laughed in sheer joy. "Lana!" He swooped down upon her like a happy teddy bear, accidentally knocking over a stone that happened to be the source of power for Jor-El's cave persona, thus destroying any vestige of his biological father in this universe. He didn't notice.

"Lana, my love, my beautiful, pink she-woman!"

"Yes, Clark, it's me!" Lana cried happily. However, even though he knew who she was, she still could not speak, for she was a backpack, and had no mouth.

"Oh Lana, you're sexier than ever," Clark whispered huskily.

Lionel was too squicked out at this point, and he decided to confine his evil plots to people who actually mattered in Superman mythology, and thus left to find his bald and sexy son.

Clark caressed Lana's fabric-y skin joyfully. "However will I turn you back to a woman again?" he murmured. "I do need my beard-- I mean, my twuest luv back."

"That's simple," said Lex from the doorway. "Just add three pints of salt," he held up a salt bottle for Clark's inspection, "And she'll turn back into a woman. Works every time."

Lana braced herself for the onslaught of salt. And it came….

She suddenly found herself standing before the boys, two boys gazing sexily into each other's eyes.

"I'm human again!" she cried joyously. She cried out too loudly, though, and suddenly a lethal cave in crushed her newly human body.

Clark and Lex stared in horror.

"Oh Lexy, how will I bear this?" Clark asked sadly.

Lex gently caressed Clark's shoulder. "With my strong arms around you."

Clark gazed up into Lex's eyes. "Do you also find tragedy a real turn-on?"

"I do, Clark, I do."

And the two boys fell into each other's arms; however, every time they made sweet, passionate love, they briefly thought about the beautiful Lana Lang whose tragic fate had brought them together. And they knew, were she alive to witness this, she would surely be thinking about her dead parents in respect to herself.

THE END


End file.
